Trade War

Written for a Canadian lumber industry political fundraiser featuring B.C.’s Minister of
Forests, Mike DeJong, and the Minister of Management Services, a.k.a. “mama”.

These days the notion of “free trade” is clichéd
It’s been played-out by American cheap-skates
Who seem to take the way of “uncivil disobedience”
‘Cause they only obey the rules when it’s convenient
In this trade dispute, greed is the main ingredient
I’d say it was a joke, but I’m no comedian
Millions of cubic meters of timber have been exported
And so far 3.6 billion has been extorted
How much longer can our businesses afford it?
But our number one defense against these sinister forces
Is in the house: may I present the Minister of Forests
In this fight to enforce American accounts payable
Mike DeJong is Beowulf
Every day he goes on the CBC
To denounce the USA as a greedy thief
As American World Police bully the planet
Mike is like a mouse fighting a wooly mammoth
And I’m not saying this to be melodramatic
‘Cause it doesn’t take much to make an elephant panic
So Mike isn’t afraid to say it’s a trade war
‘Cause it’s time the Americans got what they paid for
And I bet we could get them talkin’ if our bid
Was to call them out with the Washington power grid
And if the cowards did hide the money, and legislated
It to their industry, and ours was devastated
We wouldn’t get jaded. Never mind that
We’ll just get it back with the Proceeds of Crime Act
They can try to hide the cash in a mineshaft
But they can’t hide the fact that they broke a signed pact
So we’ll see which side the dispute’ll be costing
With the whole international community watching
Now the only way the Americans can avoid major embarrassment
Is to change their ways and reign these trade tariffs in
They can’t hold a candle to Canadian merits in
This conflict, ‘cause it takes oil to make paraffin
They just can’t afford to make enemies thoughtlessly
With their foreign-dependent energy policy
But don’t get me wrong, Americans are fine people
They just cause more problems than the Mountain Pine Beetle
So remind me to confiscate any tapes of this rap
Just to make sure I’m safe from the Patriot Act
Speakin’ of which, here’s a statement of fact
No one has done as much for Canada’s nervousness
About American “intelligence gathering” searches as
The Honorable Minister of Management Services
But I think she, and I, and most foreign delegates
Would agree: what America needs is more intelligence
And if it seems like we’re being tough with the rules
Of NAFTA, it’s because we have to suffer the fools
It’s no wonder the news today showed the USA uncovering
Trucks with wood products used for drug smuggling
Some people may have thought it was surprising
But in B.C. that’s what you call “subsidizing”
But this industry doesn’t need subsidies
All we need is justice for lumber companies
And I for one believe in Mike DeJong, when he gets hold
Of these thick-skulled thieves with their greedy mitts full
Of our money, he’s not the type to let go
He’s like the Liberal equivalent of a pit-bull
The situation is critical! Calling Mike DeJong!
Beat the righteous drum! The time to fight has come!
You’ll see what I mean before this night is done…

November 2004

© Baba Brinkman



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