Langara Holmes

Written for the Langara College staff picnic day, which caused some muted grumbles
from employees, because it was an unpaid day off with mandatory attendance. Linda
Holmes, the President of Langara, had a great sense of humour about this, she got me to
write a rap roasting her, and also write a rap rebuttal for her to battle me with, to the
astonishment of her employees.

As soon as I walked through the door, I knew it
I am a pawn in your foolish war
My job is to inform you, but also to perform
In a way that forces you to ignore the hardships you endure
That’s what I’m used for as a Troubadour
But I can do more
True to form I do my warm-ups in a uniform
My storytelling brings you the unicorn
And Chaucer’s Canterbury knowledge
But I’m aware there’s a lot of unfairness and inequality
At Langara College
Even your bell curve is parabolic
I just gotta be careful how I talk about it
‘Cause I don’t wanna get my thumbs cut off
Like Michael Ondaatje’s Carravagio character, got it?
The very thought of it gets the hair follicles on my skin crawlin’
But since I’m just a non-partisan pawn
In the various conflicts at Langara
I guess I’m neither friend or foe to the president’s throne
I am citizen in a contended zone
Sitting innocently in the shadow of a cinder cone
Volcano, I compose my feelings into poems
This one was commissioned by Linda Holmes
If she’s the queen bee here, you all must have been the drones
Who contributed to this hive behaviour
But I wont use this assignment to court the tyrant’s favour
She probably thought I would write this rhyme and praise her
She figured I’d be neutral ‘cause I went to Simon Fraser
But the fact that I got paid already makes me kinda braver
I can’t help it, it’s my defiant nature
Besides, if I inflated her head with some invented glory
You’d probably find me kinda boring, and just ignore me
Especially since your attendance here is mandatory
So I can’t afford to stand before an assembled hoard
Of angry employees at ten in the morning
And fit the standard sycophantic category, end of story
Now, Linda’s corny slogan is a hilarious one
She said: “Write about how learning at Langara is fun”
You mean like staring down the barrel of a totalitarian’s gun?
It’s scary how military this fair has become
With electric fences, consensus is automatic
And compulsory attendance is autocratic
But Linda only cares about the five-star status
And using Provincial cash to increase the college’s assets
So Studio 58 can wait for a new art space
People need to know this isn’t a two-star place
And to prove it, we need a new parkade
Is it true what they say? Linda’s cashiers
Are spending millions, but they can’t fumigate the rats here?
Maybe I could make this fuzzy math clear
If I had one of those crappy calculator-watches from last year
Forgive me if I’m being too cavalier
Learning IS fun with the right atmosphere
And I’ve heard you do have some great classes here
I visited one last month - now that was weird
There were twenty seats filled, and about two hundred open
I guess the Vancouver Sun wasn’t jokin’
In that story they wrote about low student enrollment
Maybe the problem is how the school is promoted
I mean, isn’t this just one of two in the district?
Before this gig I hardly knew it existed
But maybe my analysis is too simplistic
And I need some new statistics, or maybe I’m superstitious
And this is a futuristic school with a low profile
Or maybe it really just has no profile
But I’m not really qualified to comment on college life
Or philosophy, or psychology, or poly-sci
‘Cause I’m an English nerd, a scholar preoccupied
With words and dollar signs, so allow me to apologize
If learning wasn’t fun, I’d be just another punk
Lying in a puddle, drunk, popping bubble gum
Learning isn’t fun, it’s eternal bliss
Especially when you consider it next the alternatives
Linda’s Response:

I’m having a flash of woman’s intuition
This boy will never be in a management position
It’s simple, you can’t make quick decisions
If you’re just livin’ to split the difference
Especially if your division is half-assed
And as for the calculator, if you need it that bad
Maybe you should take a remedial math class
It’s obvious you’re addicted to English
Plagiarizing the classics to get distinguished
But the thing is, you’re ignorant if you can’t admit
That this college is standing tall under my management
This plan has been working; we’re in Canada’s Top 10
And number one in the Lower Mainland
And not because of a logo or name brand
It’s obvious you need to have your brain scanned
You better change your game plan and stop runnin’ your mouth
On a subject you really know nothin’ about
Your apology’s muffled, cause your foot’s comin’ out
You got in over your head boy, acknowledge it
I’m surprised you even set foot in colleges
Isn’t your mom involved in local politics?
This kid will get a provincial scholarship
The day the conflict of interest commissioner calls in sick
Now, I appreciate you being a go-getter
But next time respect your elders, they know better

April 2005

© Baba Brinkman



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